Dear daughter,
A few days ago, my friend Joe invited me to have a drink at a bar that we both like.
When we arrived at the place, Joe recognizes some of his friends. So, we went to sit close to them and have a chat, while having a few drinks.
The topics of the conversation were not interesting for both of us. As I looked at Joe and read it on his face. Most of the conversation was about buying stuff, brand coding, and expensive gifts. Topics that don’t make you any better. What my friend Joe likes to call killing time. We were just killing time.
But we were having a social moment with other people. That’s a good thing to do from time to time.
And every time, a new topic came out. So, each of us will tell our point of view and talk about it.
As the conversation was not interesting, Joe and I started a conversation aside. Our topic was about delaying gratification so that in the future, you can enjoy more and give more to the people you care about. In the words of Dave Ramsey: “live like no one else, so later you can live, and give, like no one else”.
We started talking about traveling. It is nice to travel, every one like it. Joe and I definitely enjoy traveling. Especially when you travel to places of historic importance. There are many such places in the world.
So, Joe starts explaining to me, that he does not want to do such expensive travels until he finishes paying off his mortgage. He told me that he will feel better traveling once he doesn’t have any debt.
In the middle of his explanation to me, one of his friends that were sitting close started talking to him. It was weird, Joe was talking to me, and his friend was talking to him at the same time. His friend could not wait until he finished talking. Apparently, it was something so important that Joe has to stop talking before he finished his idea to hear what the friend had to say.
At a certain point, Joe said to his friend, please, wait a bit until I finish the idea. I’ll then listen to you. But let me finish my idea.
So, Joe finished telling me what his approach is. Then, his friend started talking.
Joe, you must enjoy life, you cannot wait or be saving money all the time. You need to go out there and enjoy life. You have to do both at the same, enjoy your life and save and get out of debt. But mostly, you need to enjoy your life.
It was so weird for me. Someone was telling Joe what he must do. Some people can really go out of their way, on telling other people what they must do because it is the best way of living.
I was astonished.
“I do enjoy life,” Joe replies. I’m now here, at a bar, with my friends having a drink and socializing. I also do other things that I like to do, unrelated to work or saving.
The friend came back again, but you must enjoy your life, you must travel, you must do this, you must do that.
And because of that, Joe kept quiet. No more exchange of ideas on the topics as it seems that he must do what the friend was telling him to do because that is the only way, you must enjoy life now!
Joe looks at me, I could infer what he was thinking by his face.
After an hour, we were alone. Then Joe started talking again.
Some people think they know everything, don’t they? – Joe said.
Yes, I reply. But the weirdest thing is that they think if you don’t live your life as they do, you are not enjoying life, or you cannot be happy. And they don’t only think it, they tell you. And they cannot wait until you finish one idea, they come in the middle of the conversation, without knowing the rest of your answer, to tell you are wrong and you must do as they tell.
🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯
That was one of those uncomfortable moments that everyone wishes not to have.
Joe tells me, it is like that, some people think they can tell you what to do and you should live your life as they say. But notice when that happened, I stop talking or trying to explain.
Certain people, cannot understand, because most of the time they can’t think, that you enjoy your life in your own way.
Then he explained more, I like to do gardening. However, I know people that will never plant a tree, of any kind. I respect that, it does not mean that people who don’t do gardening are not happy, or they are not enjoying their lives.
I like to read books, so I learn from people who have already done what I want to achieve – Joe continues. But some people don’t read 1 book for five years (probably you are one of them). It does not mean I now have to start telling people you must read books because that is how you enjoy life.
Some people just don’t understand that you don’t need to like what they like.
I was paying attention to him. I know Joe studies a lot. So, I wanted to learn from him, instead of telling him what to do.
This was a clear example of how not follow the herd mentality. It feels great when you do what you think you should do instead of doing something because some people tell you that is what you should be doing.
Learning from him does not mean that I will do what he does. It means that I’ll take what works for me, and what does not work I won’t do it. But I’m not going to tell him that he is wrong. Because everyone lives in their own way, or at least they should.
Then I remember a quote from a book I recently read: “First seek to understand, then seek to be understood”. In other words, you should first listen, but you should listen without thinking about what you are going to say after. It would be best if you listened trying to understand, trying to make sense of what you are listening to.
Only after that, when you understand the other person’s point of view, you should – if it makes sense- tell your point of view.
I learn several lessons from that social encounter. One of them was, that there are conversations that do not deserve your comments. Some people do not deserve to hear what you have to say about a topic. Because at the end of the day, they don’t listen, they will only try to make their point. Because their ways are the only right ways, or so they think.
I’m sure that if you identify such people, and you spend less time -or better, no time at all- trying to explain something to them, you will be way better off.
Love you, Dad.